爱意味着我了解我爱的人。我认识到对方的许多方面，不仅是美丽闪光的一面，还有能力上的不足、反复无常和性格上的缺陷。我了解对方的感情和想法，我能体验到那个人身上的某种本质的东西。我能透过对方社交场合的表现和在社会上的角色，看到他更深层次的品质。
爱意味着我关心我爱的人的幸福健康。只要这种关心是真诚的，那么它就不会是某种压制或占有性的依附。与此相反，我的关心使我们两人都不受到束缚。如果我关心你，我就会关注你的成长，我希望你将来成为一个有所作为的人。因此，对你为了完善自己人格所做的事，我决不设置障碍，即使你做的事情有时会使我不快。
爱意味着尊重我爱的人的尊严。如果我爱你，我会把你看成是一个独立的人，有自己的价值观、思想和感情，我不会坚持让你放弃你的个性，为了我而把你自己塑造成一个我期望的那种人。我会允许并鼓励你保持独立，坚持自己的特色，我不会把你当作一件东西对待或让你主要来满足我自身的需要。
爱意味着对我爱的人有责任心。如果我爱你，我就会对你作为人的大多数的主要需求有所反应。这种责任心并不是说我替你做你自己能够做的事，也不意味着我来管理你的生活。它真正意味着承认我的为人和我的所作所为对你的影响，这样一来我会直接地分享你的快乐和痛苦。一个人的确可能会伤害或忽视他所爱的人。从这个意义上说，我认为爱包含着我对我的生活方式对你的影响承担一定的责任。
爱意味着我和我爱的人都要成熟发展。如果我爱你，我会因爱你而自我发展。你是激励我更加充实的动力，我的爱也会令你不断完善提高。我们因爱与被爱而发展完善；我们彼此分享积累的丰富经验而又不削弱自己的特性。
爱意味着对我所爱的人作出承诺。这种承诺并不需要我们放弃自身的特性，也不表示我们的这种关系一定是永久的关系。这种承诺确实包含着愿意在痛苦时刻、犹豫时刻、斗争时刻、绝望时刻和平静与欢乐时刻，彼此之间相互支持。
爱意味着信任我爱的人。如果我爱你，我相信你会接受我对你的关心和爱意，并且你也不会故意伤害我。我相信你会发现我可爱，不会抛弃我；我相信我们的爱是相互的。如果我们相互信任，那么我们就愿意敞开心扉，摘下面具，去掉伪装，显示我们真实的自我。
爱意味着容忍缺点。在爱的关系中，会有厌烦的时候，有想放弃的时候，有十分紧张的时候，有经历绝境的时候。真爱不仅仅意味着能共同分享幸福的时刻。在艰难困苦的时期我也能和你在一起，因为我记得我们过去共同拥有的时光，如果我们对问题予以足够的重视，面对问题并能度过困难时期，我能想象我们将来在一起的日子会是什么样子。我们同意梅尔教士的观点，即爱是改变生活的精神力量。爱是一种创造性的生活方式并能使生活改善。但是梅尔并不认为爱是完美世界独有的。“爱是专门赐与我们这个有问题的不完善的世界的。爱注定是在痛苦的环境下发挥作用的精神。爱使看上去无意义的生活变得有意义。”换句话说，爱走进这个不完美的世界，使它适合人们居住。
爱是自由的行为。爱是自愿地付出，而不是在要求之下的施舍。与此同时，我对你的爱并不取决于你是否满足了我对你的期望。真爱并不意味着“当你成为完美的人，或当你成为我期望的那种人时，我才爱你。”真爱是不带附加条件的付出。爱的特性之一就是无条件。
爱是博大的。如果我爱你，我会鼓励你向外发展，建立其他的人际关系。虽然我们之间的爱和彼此的承诺不允许我们做某些事情，但我们并不是完全拴在一起。把一个人和另一个人栓在一起，而不给予他发展的空间，这是虚假的爱。凯斯和温斯伯格对这个概念有很好的解释：
我们之间的爱的真实证明是我们承诺要鼓励对方充分的发展。我们相互依存，需要对方的存在来完成自己的使命。然而我们又是独立的个体。我们必须独自面对自我的奋斗。
爱意味着我需要我爱的人，但并不是说缺少他就不行。如果没有你我就无法生存，那么我就不能无拘无束地爱你。我爱你，你离开了，我会失落、难过和孤独，但我还能生活下去。如果我的价值和生存过于依赖你，那我就没有审视我们之间关系的自由，也就没有审视和反驳你的自由。因为我害怕失去你，我就只好降低要求，而这种委曲求全会使我产生不满情绪。
爱意味着能够理解我爱的人。如果我爱你，我就会理解你，通过你的眼睛去看世界。我能理解你是因为我在你身上看到了我自己，在我身上也看到了你。这种亲密无间并不意味着常相“厮守”，因为距离和分别在爱的关系中有时是必要的。距离可以增强爱的联系，有助于我们重新发现自己，这样我们就能以新的方式面对对方。
爱是以自我为出发点的。如果我能真正地爱自己、珍视自己、欣赏自己、尊重自己，我才能爱你。如果我生活空虚，那么我能给予你的就只能是我的空虚而已。如果我感到自己是完整的，有价值的人，那么我就能让你分享我的充实。对我来说，给予你爱的最好方式就是和你一起充分享受我的一切。
爱包含着能看到我爱的人的潜力。我对对方的爱是指我视他为将来要成为的那种人，与此同时，我承认他的现状。歌德有一句与此有关的评论：根据人们的现状来对待他们，我们会使他们越来越差，按照他们应该达到的目标来对待他们，我们就会帮助他们变得更好。
我们通过弗罗姆在《爱的艺术》中阐述的观点来总结我们对真爱的论述。他对成熟的爱的描述极好地总结了真爱的基本特征：
成熟的爱是基于保持各自的完整和独立性的结合。爱中会有这样的矛盾：合二为一，却又一分为二。
英文——
Love means that I know the I love.I’m aware of the many sides of the other person-not just the beautiful side but also the limitations,inconsistencies and flaws.I have an awareness of the other’s feelings and thoughts,and I experience something of the core of that person. I can penetrate social masks and roles and see the other on a deeper level.
Love means that I can care about the welfare of the person I love.To the extent that it is genuine,my caring is not smothering of the person or a possessive thinging.On the contrary,my caring liberates both of us.If I care about you,I’m concerned about your growth,and I hope you will become all that you can become.Consequently,I don’t put up roadblocks to what you do that enhances you as a person,even though it may result in my discomfort at tunes.
Love means having respect for the dignity of the person I love.If I love you ,I can see you as a separate you surrender your indentity and conform to an image ofo what I expecet you to be for me.I can allow you and encourage you to stand alone and to be who you are,and I avoid you as an object or using you primarily to gratify my own needs.
Love means having a responsibility toward the person I love.If I love you,I ‘m responsive to most of your majoy needs as a person.This responsibility does not entail my doing for you what you are capable of doing for yourself,nor does it mean that I run your life for you.It does imply acknowledging that what I am and what I do affect you,so that I am direcetly involved in your happiness and your misery.A lover does have the capacity to hurt or neglect the loved one,and in this sense I see that love entaila an acceptance of some responsibility for the impact my way of being has on me.
Love means growth for both myself and the person I love.If I love you ,I am growing as a result of my love.You are a stimulant for me to become more fully what I might become,and my loving enhances your being as well.We each grow as a result of caring and being cared for,we each share in an enriching experience that does not detract from our being.
Love means making a commitment to the person I love.This commitment does not entail surrendering our total selves to each other,nor does it imply that the relationship is necessarily permanent.I t does entail a willngness to stay with each other in times of pain,uncertainty,struggle,and despair,as well as in times of calm and enjoyment.
Love means trusting the person I love.If l love you,I trust you will accept my caring and my love and that you won’t deliberately hurt me.I trust that you will find me lovable and that you won’t abandon me;I trust the reciprocal nature of our love.If we trust each other,we are willing to be open to each other and can shed masks and pretenses and reveal pur true selves.
Love can tolerate imperfection.In a love relationship there are times of boredom,times when I may feel like giving up,times of real strain,and times I experience an impasse.Authentic love does not inply enduring happiness.i can stay during rugh times,however,because I can remember what we had together in the past,and I can picture what we will have together in our future if we care enough to face our problems and work them through.We agree with Reverend Maier when he writes that love is a spirit that changes life.love is a way of life that is creative and that transforms.However,Maier does not view love as being reserved for a perfect world.”Love is meant for our imperfect world where things go wrong.Love is meant to be a spirit that works in painful situations.Love is meant to be bring meaning into where nonsense appears to regin.”In other words,love comes into an imperfect world to make it livable.
Love is freeing.Love is freely given,not doled out on demand.At the same time,my love for you is not dependent on whether you fulfill my expectations of you.Authentic love does not imply “I’ll love you when you become perfect or when you become what I expect you to become.”Authentic love is not given with string attached.There is an unconditional quality about love.
Love is expansive.If I love you,I encourage you to reach out and develop other relationships.Although our love for each other and our commitment to each other might bar certain actions on our parts,we are not totally and exlusively wedded to each other.It is a pseudolove that cements one person to another in such a way that he or she is not given romm to grow.Casey and Vanceburg put this notion well.
The honest evidence of our love is our commitment to encourageing another’s full development.We are interdependent personalities who need one anther’s presence in order to fulfill our destiny.And yet,we are also separate inviduals.We must come to terms with pur struggles alone.
Love means having a want for the person I love without having a need for that person in order to be complet.If I am nothing without you,then I’m not really free to love you.i love you and you leave,I’ll experience a loss and be sad and lonely,but l’ll still be able to surveive.If I am overly dependent on you for my meaning and my survival,then I am not free to challenge our relations;nor am I free to challenge and confront you.Because of my fear of losing you.I’ll settle for less than I want,and this settling will surely lead to feelings of resentment.
Love means identifying with the person I love.If I love you,I can empathize with you and see the world through your eyes.I can identify with you because I’m able to see myself in you and you in me.This closeness does not imply a continual”togetherness” for distance and separation are sometimes essential in a loving relationship.Distance can intensify a loving bond,and if can help us rediscorver ourselves,so that we are able to meet each other in a way.
Love is selfish.I can only love you if I grnuinely love,value,appreciate,and respect myself.If I am emty,then all I can give you is my emptiness.If I fell that I’m complete and worthwhile in myself,then I’m able to give you out of my fullness.One of the best ways for me to give you love is by fully enjoying myslfe with you.
Love involves seeing the potential with the person we love.In my love for another,I view her or him as the person he or she can because,while still accepting who and what die person is now.Goeth’s observation is relevant here;by taking people as they are,we make them worse,but by treating them as if they already were what they ought to be,we help make them better.
We conclude this discussion of the meaninga that authentic love has for us by sharing a thought from Fromm’s The Art of Loving(1956).His description of mature love sums up the essential characteristics of authentic love quite well:
Mature love is union the condition of preserving one’s intergrityone’s individuality.In love this paradox occurs that two beings become one and yet remain two.