It's been a long long time since I last enter here. We no longer have internet access at our new home, and I was always too busy....

I promised my son that i will return home early: he is 6 and half months old now, and he starts to prefer my company more than anyone else. It's a sweet feeling. In the morning after I left for work, my mother-in-law told me, that he would always look to the door and look for me, and when he doesnt see me, he would make lots of noise until he was brought outside the door, he would be quite then. He seems to be remeber that "mom" disappeared from that door, and "mom" will be found there.

I felt guilty for always finishing work late lately. Often it's 8pm when I enter the door again, and my son was already anxious and his searchful eye would lighten up when he saw me.

Raining day today. I read a bit of DELUKE last night, his golden word still ring in my brain: dont dismiss the simple, boring things, like a pianonist practise simply boring keys to perfect his art, I shall treat my boring, simply daily responsiblity with the same attitude.

Lifte slipped by and I am in middle 30 now. Looking back it's hard to believe that I am actually this old. 10 years ago didn't seem so long ago, would my whole life be gone like this, one day when i am old and all winkled up, i would sign the same way i sign today.

The image in the mirror change slowly, but gradually we would be shocked in one slip second: and ask ourself, my God, is this ME?

Thoughts of my son calls me home, I wish to put more words....small thoughts and delicate feelings, maybe unimportant but it will leave a small trace of my life, the soon be gone still youthful life.

What a shame it would be, one day when life has gone by, the only opportunity had been wasted, to live well and live fully, dreams nursed for a life time at the end still remains as DREAM. How sad it would be.

My son is the real sure creation i have made, and feel so steadily proud of. The rewards of parenting him is tremendous, he lightens my dream and stretch it further.
At age 34, 3 months after my birthday, I became a mum.

I didn't expect this to happen so late, and I was not sure for some time whether this would happen to me at all until I met my husband.

Life turned on a new path since our son's arrival. Exhausting for sure to be a pair of new parents. We both feel excited and amazed about the new life created by our joint effort. Aside from that, I experienced more, I felt helpless, nervous, worried all sorts of "not so desired" fixed feelings. Small ups and turns on a small running terrent.

This is a remarkable year for us. We got married, had a son, bought an apartment, now we are going to decorate it. I started to go out on this project 4 weeks after giving birth to my son, in Chinese traditional belief,  I was supposed to stay indoor till 5 or 6 weeks after giving birth.

We were pressured by time and money, so we must move fast.

Decoration is not the right word, for in western countries people won't have to do this when they purchase a real estate property. But in China, you won't be able to live in it if you don't "decorate" the house.

It felt as if we were building our new home brick by brick with our own hands. We went out on weekends when my husband is off to "study the market" and make the purchase one by one, cases in the kitchen, toliet, bath tub, taps, mirror, tiles, floor...each one requires lots of planning, researching and negociations. We compare the brands and prices, choose the colors and made the final dicision after much discussion. We didn't always agree on the above matters, but in the end we can always arrive to a decision that both sides felt acceptable. I heard many couples fight so hard that they almost split up in the middle of decoration. Gladly we handled it with mutual respect of each other's desires.

I was slow and late on knowing "blogger". It was a few years ago while I was translating at an university's lecture in front of an audience of over hundreds of post graduate students, I came across this word. I knew what it means in English by the way it was used, but I was not sure what it was called in Chinese. Embarassingly I kept the English name in my interpretation, and my audience taught me this word. The Chinese translation was not so far off from the English pronaunciaton.

I didn't think of creating a "blogger" of my own, though I visited a number of and knew many people keep their blogger. To me, the real and final trigger to creat a blogger has to do with my son. I want him to be able to know me, for part of the reason. The other part is, I am in the habit of keeping a diary, but store up old diary books had become a problem. I don't wish undesired readers to stamp upon my diary books by accidents and start the reading un-intentionaly.

I started to like the idea of a blogger, which allows me to keep my diary without worrying about storage space or place.

Thanks to my little brother, who helped me to apply and obtain this blogger, now I have this blogger.

At first my intention was to find out which website was good for blooger, he tolk me that sina.com have more "clicks" but is slow. He said he didn't know neigher for he didn't use it. But to me my major concern was not "clicks" but safety and stability. I don't even desire "clicks". This is a private space to me, which can go public but it can be very private if one wishes it. And I wish it so.

The purose of this blogger is, to collect moments of this fleeting life, some fleeting thoughts and feelings which give me the sense of "me". Having a son is consuming and I felt not only my eye sight is getting bad, breasts droppy and face pale, but also I am becoming distance to my "self". I have so little time for myself aside from looking after my son. Saying this without complaining, I think this happens to many new mums. But in our simple and humble briefed life, "self" awareness allows us to know the world and social with "others" better. We must realize who we are and know we are "here", in order to really live and enjoy life.

Enjoy life is not as simple and easy as it sounds. Not many people are able to really "enjoy" living. Many just purely live on, because they are on the track already. Unchecked existance is not worth having, it can never reach it's true and full potention.

So much for the "beginning". My father is a big good help with my boy. Now he is holding my son in the sofa watching TV. It's time that I take over for a while to allow him sometime for his "self".

My son's name is Jianjian given by his grandpa, my father, who loves him to the bones and look after him really well. He is 36 days old today. At first hearing of the name, both me and my husband laughed at the name, we dismissed it right away. But upon a second and third thought, I thought it was not a bad name. On the surface, it means "good health", which we truely desire for him; goes deeper, in YI JIN, the ancient Chinese phylosophic book, it says "TIAN XIN JIAN, JUN ZI YI ZI QIANG BU XI". It's hard to explain "jian"'s  meaning in the sentence, but it means well, the sentence in simple means that everything in life is always changing, but the phylosophy remains the same, that is the ONE and ONLY truth.